February 27, 2017

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride. This January, we found out that I was pregnant. We were so excited for this precious gift. Then the worst happened, 7 weeks in, I lost the baby in my womb. We went in for a routine ultrasound 2 weeks ago and got the biggest shock of our lives : our baby had no more heartbeat. 

Our doctor explained that the baby had developmental problems, the abnormalities would have made it hard to continue with life. There was nothing that I could have done to change the situation (bed rest, less stress, eating healthier, etc), it was something that was out of my control. As a first time mom, I was really devastated. I cried so hard in the clinic where I had my ultrasound ; cried for my baby who I so longed to see and hold.

It's a bit hard for first time parents when this happens to you ; you are excited, anticipating your first child. I cannot completely explain the pain of losing your child. I was not able to see or hold our baby, but I loved him or her so so much. It is still a little difficult to relive the events of the past weeks. There will always be a place for our little baby in my heart. We named our baby Addison Gabrielle/Gabriel (Addison meaning son of Adam, firstborn, Gabrielle/ Gabriel meaning gift of God). He/she will always be our first gift.

When we told our family and dear friends of what happened to us, we found out that there are many stories of pain and triumph, mommies and strong women who are all close friends and family members who have gone through the same situation. They have also served as my encouragement throughout this season. Friends and family have also been a pillar of support. Through this time, I also realized that all our stories - it may be a story of pain, or of triumph - can be used by God to affect and inspire other people. We all go through these situations because it makes us stronger, makes us lean on God, and makes us a beacon and source of hope and encouragement as well. :)

One thing that we always remember is that we can always trust in God's wisdom - His ways are higher than our ways. He gives and He takes away. In this moment of pain, we chose to hold on to God. Sometimes we don't understand our circumstances but we look to the future with hope and undying faith. Thank God for His grace and His strength that is always available for us. His mercies are new every morning, His love never ceases. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

 I miss baby Addie everyday, and I think of her/him all the time. The pain and the loss are still fresh but there is peace and comfort - peace that knows that God is in control, and comfort for the aching pain of losing our first child. I also long to hold my baby in my arms, sing her/him to sleep, watch the little baby grow up into a beautiful person. I ache for our baby, but I am always reminded that God the Father is taking care of my precious baby Addie, our precious gift is now enjoying heaven. There are no more abnormalities in heaven; no more sickness, just abundant life with God. 

There are times when I still cry when I remember her/him, but I always smile. In spite of all that has happened, God is good. He is faithful to all of His children, and all of His promises are yes and amen! We are grateful that God chose us to be parents to this little baby, even if it was just a couple of weeks; we were able to celebrate this beautiful gift. 

We will continue to hold on to God's promise for a baby. We will continue to prepare and anticipate, and joyfully wait for our next baby's arrival. The next one will be a healthy, successful pregnancy, all made beautiful in God's perfect timing. :)

Baby Addie, your daddy and I love you very much. We long to see you one day in heaven. We are thankful to God that we were able to celebrate your life, even if it was just short. For now, rest in God's arms and say hi to our (your great) Grandpa and Grandma for us.  I loved being your mommy, and I always will be. <3

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